<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Persona Non Grata by iremainsilent</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29671923">Persona Non Grata</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/iremainsilent/pseuds/iremainsilent'>iremainsilent</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abusive Snoke (Star Wars), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, CEO Ben Solo, Depression, Eventual HEA, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, POV Ben Solo, Redemption, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 00:00:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,543</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29671923</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/iremainsilent/pseuds/iremainsilent</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Arriving home, he placed his jacket and briefcase in his home office, rolling up the sleeves of his shirt to his elbow as he strolled to the large windows in his living room. The view of Central Park whilst the sun slowly began to set was one he’d never appreciated until now. Pouring himself a scotch, he stood at the window just taking in the view.</p>
<p>Not wanting to be interrupted, he’d switched off his phone and had placed it on the kitchen counter.</p>
<p>Because this was the last thing Ben planned to see.</p>
<p>Because Ben had decided last weekend that he was done.</p>
<p>Because last weekend Ben had decided to die.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rey &amp; Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>123</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi everyone! This is my first fanfic in a very long time and thus I am happy for any feedback and comments :) </p>
<p>The idea for this story just popped into my head and I needed to get it out! I was inspired by the song ‘Persona Non Grata’ by Whale Bones https://youtu.be/0VNiGYUqgZk.</p>
<p>Any suggestions are appreciated and please read the tags before continuing on.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p>Ben Solo, CEO of First Order Financial, did not have a great reputation. Some would call him boorish and gruff; others would call him indignant and unpleasant. Known for his infamous temper and cruel cutting words, many avoided him and routinely gave his office a wide berth. The staff felt sorry for his long-suffering assistant. </p><p>It wasn’t that Ben wasn’t good at his job. Ben knew how to get results and First Order had flourished under his guidance and expertise. His designer suits and shoes with his luscious hair, paired with his cold gaze, could make him either extremely intimidating or extremely attractive. Depending on the setting that is. He wasn’t known to have any friends, and he hadn’t been in contact with his family for years. Hux, the CFO, and Gwen, the legal counsel, tolerated him more than anything. And since they’d started a relationship together, Ben spent less and less time with them. Ben was perpetually single, as he couldn’t handle the ditzy socialites and money hungry social climbers that seemed to hover around him.</p><p>Ben was the picture of an unhappy man, with no love, friends or family by his side.</p><p>So, you could just imagine the shock of his staff when he strolled into the office, 1 hour late with a massive smile on his face, holding flowers. He promptly gave them to his assistant, explaining that they were for her as a way for him to show his gratitude for putting up with him. He even treated her to lunch as an apology for ‘being an asshole’. </p><p>He whistled down the hallway, giving Hux and Gwen hugs as he passed them in the hall. </p><p>During the week he organised catering for lunch, for everyone to enjoy. Everyone also got an unexpected bonus, with an additional week of annual leave. And then he arranged for the company to pick up the tab for the staff’s Friday night drinks, giving his assistant his credit card and telling her there was no limit. ‘Go nuts’ was the expression he chose to use.</p><p>He’d even sent a package of good scotch and an expensive bottle of wine to his parents with a letter of thanks for all they had done for him as a child, apologising for cutting them out of his adult life.</p><p>And on that Friday, as the clock ticked over to 5pm, Ben switched off his computer, picked up his briefcase and walked out of his office. </p><p>He smiled and waved to people as he slowly walked to the lift. </p><p>As he waited for the lift, his assistant asked him if he was planning on coming to Friday night drinks. Ben smiled down at her, saying that no one wants their boss present at such an event. She smiled shyly and wished him a good week as he stepped into the lift. Before the doors closed, he surveyed the office space before him. </p><p>Ben knew people had been confused by his behaviour this week. He’d never been kind and had certainly never smiled so much in his life.</p><p>No one knew he’d stopped taking his anti-depression medication, because no one knew him well enough to know he was even taking them in the first place. He’d also called his lawyer, Amilyn Holdo, and had his will redone to distribute everything to his parents. </p><p>He walked out of the lift and through the building’s lobby, slipping the doorman a wad of cash with a pat on his arm as he walked out the door and began his walk home to his penthouse.</p><p>Arriving home, he placed his jacket and briefcase in his home office, rolling up the sleeves of his shirt to his elbow as he strolled to the large windows in his living room. The view of Central Park whilst the sun slowly began to set was one he’d never appreciated until now. Pouring himself a scotch, he stood at the window, just taking in the view.</p><p>Not wanting to be interrupted, he’d switched off his phone and had placed it on the kitchen counter.</p><p>Because this was the last thing Ben planned to see.</p><p>Because Ben had decided last weekend that he was done.</p><p>Because last weekend Ben had decided to die.</p><p>He did his best to make himself comfortable, dragging over his leather wing-backed chair to the window. He placed his empty scotch glass back on the buffet table and picked up the small knife he’d left there this morning. He slowly made his way to his seat in front of the window and looked out at the last view he’d ever see. He smiled. He hadn’t felt this happy and relieved in a long time. He’d lived a full life, done his best and had tried to make amends with everyone he knew.</p><p>He gripped the knife, and when he was done, he dropped it onto the hardwood floors as he placed his arms on the armrest. He could feel the warmth from the afternoon sun hit his face. </p><p>Closing his eyes slowly, he sighed in contentment, knowing the hard part was now over.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone! I just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who has read this so far and that I've really appreciated the comments and love it has received. The Reylo community is definitely one of the best out there :)</p><p>I just wanted to note a couple of things. I'm not from New York, but I did a bit of research for hospitals (sounds a bit morbid, I know!). Also, Rey will eventually make an appearance, I just want it to feel natural. The chapter count may change, but for now I'm planning on 15 chapters.</p><p>Once again, thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope you enjoy.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p><i>When Ben opened his eyes and saw a white blinding light, he thought for a moment </i>this may be heaven.<i> He then saw the fluorescent tube to the light in the room. </i>Heaven would never use a fluorescent light<i> and the pain – which started a fraction of a second later – was typical of Earth. That Earth pain – distinctive, unmistakable.</i></p><p>He tried to move, and the pain increased tenfold, starting from his wrists and spreading up his arms. A series of bright dots appeared in his vision.</p><p>“Han, call the nurse! He’s waking up,” he heard a woman say.</p><p>A door somewhere opened and closed.</p><p><i>No, it couldn’t be true</i> he thought as he slowly recognised the voice. This definitely wasn’t heaven, because he felt so cold and he was aware of plastic tubes coming out of his nose and mouth. The tube stuck down his throat made him feel as if he was choking. He made an attempt to remove it but his arms were too heavy to lift to his face.</p><p>“Darling, just stay still. You’re at Mount Sinai Hospital, in the ICU. You’re ok,” the voice spoke to him, brushing a wisp of hair out of his eyes.</p><p>Despite the pain and choking feeling, Ben’s eyes began to water as he realised what had happened. He had tried to kill himself, and someone had found him in time to save him. He didn’t know who that could have been, but the fact was that he had survived and he was now in a hospital.</p><p>Ben wanted to explain that he wanted to go home, but instead choked on the tube in his mouth. He was still struggling to move as the nurse came in, followed by a man he couldn’t see properly.</p><p>“He won’t stop moving,” a woman’s fearful voice sounded out next to him.</p><p>“He’s upset,” the nurse murmured quietly.</p><p>He tried to move his head from side to side to indicate that she was wrong. He tried pleading with his useless eyes for the nurse to remove the tubes and let him die in peace.</p><p>“I’ll have to give him a sedative to calm him down,” the nurse said as she loomed over him.</p><p>Ben stopped moving but the nurse was already injecting something into his IV. Soon, he was back into a strange dreamless world where the only thing he could see was Central Park. He was sitting in his leather armchair, watching the sun set slowly on the horizon.</p><p>********************</p><p>Ben’s life had always looked perfect from the outside. Privileged even.</p><p>His mother was a successful Senator, accomplished and respected among her peers and constituents. His father was a distinguished pilot in the US Air Force, admired and celebrated for his daring feats and charity work. Being their son had given him every opportunity to succeed in life. From prestigious schools and expensive cars to access to the right contacts, his life growing up sure looked bright and hopeful.</p><p>But Senators have a state full of people needing their time, patience, and devotion. Pilots fly in and out of states and countries, protecting people and delivering supplies safely to their destinations.</p><p>Children have no place in those worlds. They are left behind with strict nannies and emotionally unavailable adults, paid to make sure he is fed and goes to school and not much else. And so, whilst Ben had had everything material at the tip of his fingers, the smatterings of love and quality attention he received were limited to swift hugs goodbye and quick pats on the head every now and then.</p><p>Once he turned 13, the anger of being abandoned and the pain of not feeling good enough had taken root in his soul. Anger at his parents for caring about their careers over their only child. Pain at the thought that he was so worthless and inadequate that they couldn’t seem to bare even spending an afternoon with him. </p><p>This allowed for Snoke to creep his way in to his life. Offering him time and attention, telling Ben that he was important. Whispering in his ear that his parents were selfish, that they hated him and that he had ruined their once carefree and happier lives. That Snoke was the only person who bothered to care about him, who loved him like a son. </p><p>Snoke was his English teacher and, just after his thirteenth birthday, had asked him to stay back after class. He started giving Ben books to read, often keeping him back after class to discuss themes and ideas from those novels with him. He had said that he knew Ben was special, intelligent, and unique. Ben had been dying to hear these words from his parents, so he was in awe of Snoke’s attention. </p><p>So when Snoke had called him into his office on that fateful day, Ben didn’t think twice about it. Snoke wasn’t just his teacher. He valued Ben like no other person in his life had before, he’d even said Ben was the son he’d never had but wished for.</p><p>When he pushed Ben to his knees, Ben froze. Snoke murmured that he given Ben so much, and that Ben would now show his appreciation. </p><p>A hand threaded through the locks of his hair, snaking their way to the nape of his neck. Ben still remembers the way his stomach dropped as his head was pushed forward. He would never be able to stand the feeling of the nape of his neck being touched again.</p><p>After that day, Ben shutdown all the emotions that raged below the surface. He became cold and distant, withdrawing from his friends and his studies. His grades became so bad, his parents had begun to fight about what to do about him.</p><p>His mother had begged him to tell him what was wrong. His father took him out in his plane to try and connect with him, to get him to open up. Finally, with all the emotional detachment his could muster, he told his father what had happened. He still remembers the way his father's face crumpled as tears ran down his cheeks. He distinctively recalls this as the last time he looked his father in the eyes. He never looked at his mother again.</p><p>His parents became miserable and it was all his fault. If he hadn’t had been so stupid to think Snoke, or anyone for that matter, would unconditionally care about him, he wouldn’t have bought such shame to the Organa-Solo name. </p><p>Snoke was quietly prosecuted for his crimes at his mother's insistence, however Ben had only agreed to write down his testimony. He refused to sit in a courtroom and expose his weakness to others.</p><p>That was how Ben learnt that he could only rely on himself. Relying on others made him weak, stupid and foolish. The day Snoke went to prison, Ben resolved to harden his heart to others. He would only trust himself and keep all others at arms length. </p><p>When Ben finished high school, friendless and alone, he’d accepted a place at Harvard with the determination to finish business school and make something of himself. He focused on his studies and shut the world out. He would do this on his own. He had completely cut his parents out of his life by the age of 22. To them it was like he’d just dropped of the face the of world. They had even filed a missing persons report after a week. Ben had explained to the officers that he was fine, he wasn’t missing, he just didn’t want to have contact with them anymore. He assumed the officers had relayed his message to his parents, as his mother finally stopped calling.</p><p>Ben learnt to hide his pain by putting on a mask of indifference. This helped him get promoted to CEO of First Order Financial. Two years ago at the age of 29, after he’d picked up his laptop and thrown it through a glass wall after losing an important client, he was ordered to go to therapy for his anger problems. His therapist diagnosed him with depression and started him on Zoloft to help calm him down. It worked in calming his anger down to an acceptable level, but it had also left him feeling torn and dead inside.</p><p>After a year and a half of taking his medication, he suddenly felt the urge to stop taking them. He wanted to feel something, anything. He mused to himself that this must have been the first time he’d thought about wanting to end his life. He’d thought about if often since then, until that one weekend. He’d finally put a plan together and steeled his resolve. He desperately wanted to stop being torn apart from the inside and be free of his pain. He’d finally gain his freedom.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <i>Ben didn’t know how long he had slept. He remembered waking up at one point – still with the life-preserving tubes in his mouth and nose – and hearing a voice say:</i>
</p>
<p>“Why did you do this to yourself Ben?”</p>
<p>But now, looking around the room with his eyes wide open, he didn’t know if it had been real or a hallucination. Apart from that one memory, he could remember nothing, absolutely nothing.</p>
<p>The tubes had been taken out, but he still had wires connected to areas around his heart and his head, and his arms were strapped down. He was dressed on a hospital gown, covered by a blanket, and though he felt cold, he was determined not to complain. The small area surrounded by blue curtains was filled by the bed he was on, the machinery of the Intensive Care Unit, and a white chair on which a nurse was sitting reading a book.</p>
<p>Ben wasn’t sure if it was the same nurse she had tried to speak to a couple of hours – or was it days? - ago. </p>
<p>“Can you unstrap my arms?” he asked, his voice raspy.</p>
<p>The nurse jumped in her seat and, upon realising Ben was finally conscious, shook her head as she got up.</p>
<p>Ben closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. He looks down and saw that his wrist were heavily wrapped in gauze. His eyes flicked upwards upon hearing footsteps approaching his bed.</p>
<p>His parents stood there and he watch as his mother’s hand covered her mouth to hide an anguished cry. His father stood behind her, with red rimmed eyes.</p>
<p>Ben looked down, avoiding their stares.</p>
<p>Leia moved to the side of his bed, sitting down in the white chair and his father stood beside her. She gently placed her hand on his. Ben weakly grasped it.</p>
<p>“Who…who found me?” was all he could ask, his voice quiet.</p>
<p>Han clear his throat. “I did.”</p>
<p>“How?”</p>
<p>Ben desperately wanted to know how his father had found him, considering his parents lived in Connecticut.</p>
<p>“Han was in New York for an Air Force event. I called him when I received your package. I…I was so worried we were too late,” Leia answered.</p>
<p>“Sorry about that,” Ben replied. He didn’t know what else to say.</p>
<p>“I got there just a time,” Han said quietly, “your doorman almost didn’t let me go up. Needed my ID to prove I was Han Solo,” he scoffed.</p>
<p>Ben nodded. The quiet in the room was oppressed as if it was filled with all the unspoken questions his parents had.</p>
<p>“You can ask,” Ben said.</p>
<p>“Why, Ben, why did you do this to yourself?” Leia sobbed. “We’re always here for you, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. You could have reached out at any time and we would have helped you. Despite everything that has happened, you’re our son and we love you. Always.”</p>
<p>Ben felt a tear slide down his cheek. He couldn’t even wipe it away if he wanted to.</p>
<p>“We’ve spoken to your boss, said that you were taking a sabbatical. They were okay with it.”</p>
<p>Ben immediately looked at Han with an alarmed look on his face.</p>
<p>“We didn’t tell them what happened. Just said it was a private family emergency. They were very understanding. Approved it for 6 months.”</p>
<p>Ben nodded and sighed. He didn’t have a plan for this. This wasn’t supposed to happen. </p>
<p>“What happens now?” Ben asked with a whisper.</p>
<p>“You need help honey. I called Cassian Andor, you remember him? We’ll meet with him once you’re okay to leave the hospital and sort this out.”</p>
<p>“You’ll be coming to live with us in the meantime. Cassian works in Greenwich, so he’ll be close by.”</p>
<p>“Ok”. Ben closed his</p>
<p>Great. Cassian was a psychologist and had been life long friends of the Solo’s. If he remembered rightly, he and his wife Jyn had a daughter called Rey who was four years his junior. He had never particularly liked Cassian, as he found him to be annoyingly cheerful and bright. His parents had sent him to Cassian after the Snoke incident. Ben hated how he’d looked at him with pity. </p>
<p>Ben closed his eyes and told his parents he was tired before allowing himself to drift off to sleep.</p>
<p>He fell asleep and woke up several times, noticing that the number of machines around him disappearing, the warmth of his body increasing, and the nurses’ faces kept changing; but there was always someone beside him. Through the blue curtain he heard the sound of someone crying, groans, or voices whispering in calm, technical tones. From time to time, a distinct machine would buzz and he would hear worried footsteps along the corridor. Then the voices would lose their calm, technical tone and become tense, issuing rapid orders.</p>
<p>In one of his lucid moments, a nurse asked him: “Don’t you want to know how you are?”</p>
<p>“I already know,” replied Ben. </p>
<p>The nurse tried to continue the conversation, but Ben pretended to be asleep.</p>
<p>______________________________________________________________________________________</p>
<p>When Ben opened his eyes again, he realised that he had been moved; he was in what looked like a large ward. He still had an IV drip in his arm, but all the other wires had been removed.</p>
<p>A tall doctor, wearing the traditional white coat, was standing at the foot of his bed. Beside him a young junior doctor holding a clipboard was taking notes.</p>
<p>“How long have I been here?” he asked, noticing that he spoke with some difficulty, slurring his words slightly.</p>
<p>“You’ve been in this ward for a week, after five days spent in the ICU,” replied the older doctor. “And just be grateful that you’re still here.”</p>
<p>The younger doctor seemed surprised, as if that final remark didn’t quite fit the facts. Ben noticed his reaction at once, which alerted his instincts. Had she been here longer than he had thought? Was he still in some danger? He began to pay attention to each gesture, each movement the two doctors made.</p>
<p>“You’ll be glad to hear that your parents will be here to take you home tomorrow morning.”</p>
<p>Now all Ben could do was wait. He tried to watch TV but found he couldn’t focus on anything. Finally, the next day came, and he was dressed and placed into a wheelchair with Had at the helm. Han pushed him through the hospital and to the car, where Leia was waiting. Han opened the door, handing Leia Ben’s things in a plastic bag. Ben gingerly got out of the chair and into the backseat with Han’s help.</p>
<p>“I got you some clothes and things from your apartment,” Leia said quietly as she sat in the front seat.</p>
<p>Ben nodded and Han closed the door, moving to the other side of the car and slid into the driver’s seat. Ben placed his arms in his lap and leaned his head against the window. He closed his eyes, suddenly feeling exhausted after not having moved about in weeks. Although it was only an hour’s drive to Greenwich with traffic, he suddenly felt like this was going to be the longest drive he’d ever been on. </p>
<p>He decided he’d worry about everything later and let sleep take him.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>